Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Why Avatar Should Offend Golfers Everywhere

I figured I'd be bothered by the uninspired dialogue. I'd also heard the acting was crummy. (Since really, why should the words characters say or the way they say them be of any real importance?) But I didn't think James Cameron would insult me as a golfer.

How?

There's a scene early on where Giovanni Ribisi, who plays the white collar boss overseeing the mining on the planet of Pandora, is putting balls into a mug across a stretch of Astro turf. After one rolls in, he leans back and yells, "I love this putter!" which of course made me sit up and stare through my 3-D glasses at what putter he was using.

Cameron had two options here. One, he could have had his prop guy spend an hour making some weird, futuristic-looking thing. After all, it's the year 2154. No doubt putting technology has advanced a lot in 144 years. Maybe Ribisi would be using a new Scotty Cameron, which at 400K a pop, would remain overpriced.

Even cooler would have been if Cameron had gone with some famous retro putter, like an old Wilson 8802 or something.

But no. Best I could tell, Ribisi's great find was this piece of crap, some forgettable Taylor Made mallet. I mean, come on, James. I'm willing to suspend disbelief just so far.

Then again, millions think Cameron's a genius. Perhaps Avatar portends of something even more unbelievable than human greed destroying planet Earth... a massive USGA equipment rollback.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Todd Lewis, Human Coat Rack

The beginning of the year traditionally brings new sets to the Golf Channel studio in Orlando and this year they've outdone themselves. There's a putting green, a sand trap, a simulator, a "Conversation Set"!... Unfortunately there was not enough room in the budget for a metal hook to hold Charlie Rymer's jacket.

video

2010 -- Bob Be Back...

I've finally come out of my golf funk, a spell which began with Tom Watson's 72nd hole and was further stoked by Tiger Woods' misadventures.

But it's a new year! And based on every golf publication, apparently Rickie Fowler is the answer to our prayers. He's got great hair... designer clothes... and he finished 2nd at the Frys.com Open to Troy Matteson! Yes!! Yes!!! Tiger WHO, that's what I say!

Okay, I can't keep up that level of enthusiasm.

Instead, you'll have to settle for another season (Fore Right's 4th, btw) of my thoughts (hopefully humorous) on what remains the best game on earth.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Larry Holmes Speaks the Truth


FINALLY some common sense on this Tiger situation from former heavyweight champ Larry Holmes. No word on whether IMG is courting Holmes. As quoted over the weekend:

"You're Tiger Woods -- you're some famous athlete or show biz celebrity, whatever. The girl's got you in the corner. She's in your face. You're like, 'No, no, no, I can't do this. I got the wife at home.'

"But she's pushing and pushing and finally you give in. It don't mean nothing. It's just 30 seconds. But it feels so good you want it again and again and again. They're a toy to play with. And that's all you are to them. You give them some money and they go away. You're in Vegas. They don't call it 'Sin City' for nothing. And if they catch you, they got photos of you right on top of the woman? You say, 'No, man, that ain't me, that's my twin brother!' And you go home and make love to your wife."

Friday, December 11, 2009

Wow.

The Latest Statement from Tiger Woods:

"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I've done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What's most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period."


Tiger is doing the right thing, as tough as that may be for golf fans to accept.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Let the Legend Shrink. For Now.

I've obviously received plenty of emails from people wondering what I think about the news of the last week. I thought long and hard about what to say and not to say. Here's where I've landed.

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For 604 holes of the 2008 season, I followed Tiger Woods from the gallery. From Torrey Pines to Dubai and back again, I was there, learning what I could. I spent my whole life up till then as a Tiger skeptic, rooting against him and finding him both cold and calculating. But over the course of that remarkable season in which he won 5 of 7 events and the U.S. Open on one leg, I came to admire all the qualities that made him wildly successful. His focus... his desire to improve when no one thought he could… the way he battled through adversity… and his ability to find victory when defeat seemed unavoidable.

But what made Tiger beloved to so many was not merely that he hit spectacular golf shots under pressure. It was the way he carried himself in the public eye. In an age where professional athletes seem to split time between home and prison, Tiger was the exception to the rule -- a family-loving, tabloid-avoiding secular superstar. He didn’t need God, his inspiration and strength came from Mom, from Pops, and from within. After racking up dozens and dozens of victories, Tiger grew so confident that he believed he could literally will things to happen.

We had plenty of evidence to suggest this might be true. In 1994, he was 6-down after 13 holes at the 1994 U.S. Amateur and won. At the 2000 PGA Championship, Tiger needed to birdie his final two holes and did. And at last year’s U.S. Open, Tiger had to make a 12-footer on the 72nd hole to tie Rocco Mediate and keep his hopes of a 14th major alive. Like always, Tiger made it. He even seemed to be willing the perfect life. Blonde Swedish model-turned-wife? Check. A healthy baby girl followed by a healthy baby boy? Done.

But it couldn’t last forever. In my book Follow the Roar, I wrote that someday Tiger would miss a putt he was supposed to make, and we’d all wake up to the reality that Tiger was just a man after all, not a superhero.

I’m pretty sure Tiger would have preferred a missed putt to the events of the last week.

No matter the venue, Tiger has failed -- more publicly and with greater consequences than any inside-the-ropes defeat. The anguish he has put his family through will leave scars on each of them for the rest of their lives. He’s humbled and obviously embarrassed, maybe for the first time since he was a dorky Stanford freshman who played on the golf team and was nicknamed “Urkel” by his teammates.

I don’t excuse his actions. I don’t condone them. But given the numbers of mesmerized female fans I saw at every tour stop, I’m not surprised. The last time three girls were attracted to me at the same time, it went straight to my head. I was in 2nd grade, but still. The point is that few are strong enough to handle that life. We now know that Tiger is not one of them.

I don’t expect to hear from him. No one does at this point. But if Tiger should reach out, I know what I’d say. I’d tell him a story about something I witnessed back in 2008. It was Saturday evening on Augusta National’s putting green, and Hank Haney was watching Tiger stroke eight-footer after eight-footer. Tiger made most of them, a few missed on the right edge. After watching his pupil roll a half-dozen putts, Haney said just three words: “half a degree” -- the amount Tiger’s putter blade was open at impact. How Haney could see this was absurd, but Tiger nodded, made an adjustment, and the next batch of putts fell in the dead center of the cup. Tiger refused to ignore even the slightest weakness in his game, and fixed a problem no one else could see.

Tiger doesn’t need Hank Haney to point out this problem. But his response to it should be the same. Fix it. Failure in and of itself is not a bad thing. For out of it comes an opportunity for change and growth. As much as America loves to destroy its heroes, it also longs to see them rise from the ashes. Or as Tiger might say, to be better tomorrow than today.

But Tiger can’t will a healthy marriage into existence like a fifteen-footer. It will require a level of strength that can only come from above, not from within. My hope and prayer is that he finds that humility and grace and saves his family as a result. As much fun as it is to watch him play the sport I love, the goal of success at home far outweighs the worldly goal of getting to 19 majors.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d still love to see Tiger pass Jack in a few years. I’d just like his family to be standing next to the green when it happens.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Sad Stuff

That's about all I can muster at this point, though I'm glad to see Tiger make the statement he did. Plenty of lessons to be learned here.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Thoughts on This Mess

Every A-list actor or top tier athlete has a love-hate relationship with celebrity. Tiger Woods, on the other hand, has always detested it. His hunger for privacy amidst fame is well documented, and amazingly, has been largely successful in his 13 year career.

The reason he has been able to do this where so many other celebs have failed is due to a few factors, the biggest being that he almost never makes news off the golf course. When I was at Bay Hill in 2008, I asked a number of local fans what Tiger was like around Orlando, and the consensus was you might run into Tiger at the grocery store or at a restaurant, but he was by and large a boring but friendly public figure. He saved his drama and excitement for the back nine on Sunday.

The other giant factor in Tiger's off-course anonymity was his ability to control the media like no one else could. I always enjoyed watching the way he maneuvered around questions, answering only what he wanted, how he wanted. As a husband and father myself, it is hard to fault a man for wanting to protect his wife and children.

On top of this, few writers were ever willing to really dig for dirt. After all, the arrival of Tiger Woods boosted the profile of the PGA Tour and every player, writer and sponsor associated with it. In a sense, we were all indebted to him for our well-being and long term security. If he were to fall, many others would too.

Then came last weekend. A bizarre late-night car accident whose cobbled together facts included a 12-hour media blackout, broken glass, a 911 call, Tiger unconscious and bleeding from the mouth, his own wife wielding a golf club, Tiger "embarrassed," and a refusal to talk to police.

And yet the upshot of it all is the same -- please respect Tiger's privacy.

I'm not sure this will fly. Tiger doesn't need to air all his dirty laundry. Nor should he. His marital issues, fact or fiction, are not our business. But he does owe us something. He needs to convince us that he is not evading justice here, that the truth of whatever happened is not being buried or twisted with the help of high-priced lawyers.

Right now it feels that way.

Ultimately, if Tiger walks away from this with a careless driving charge and a fine, his lawyer will consider it a victory. But if we never know for certain what happened that night, it will remain very much a net loss for both Tiger and his fans, who have been led to believe that he is the kind of man who embraces challenges rather than run away from them.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Calling John Paramor, Calling John Paramor!

Time to put Tiger on the clock.

According to the latest reports, the Florida Highway Patrol was told by Tiger's agent that Tiger and wife Elin were unavailable to be interviewed Saturday but to come back Sunday. This was after being told Friday that Tiger was sleeping and to come back today.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Well, This is All Quite Weird

So according to Team Tiger, he's fine. Put that through the same translating software that told us he was fine during the 2008 U.S. Open when he had a broken leg and a torn ACL, it's fair to say we're not getting the whole story.

All I can say right now is that this all remains quite weird. Who goes charging through their neighborhood on Thanksgiving at 2am and can't get 100 feet without wrecking their car, having their rear windshield smashed and being dragged out of it unconscious by your wife? At least that's the story put out by AP's "Luau Larry" Doug Ferguson. I've walked down the street where the accident occured. I've been around Tiger's cul-de-sac. It makes Mayberry look like Manhattan.

Is there a legit explanation for all this? Sure, but so far we're not getting it. My hope is it comes soon, because the longer we go with only having overly-scripted statements from hospital officials and publicists to go on, the weirder this all becomes.

Tiger Accident: Quick Rection

I think we've got to wait for more info at this point. It's almost impossible to believe TW is seriously injured considering the accident took place 100 feet from his front front door. We know he struggles with his driving on the course, but this? I just don't buy it. We'll hear something soon I bet...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Wie's Parents Keep Paws off Trophy for Exactly Five Seconds

A picture begging for a good caption... I'll start:

B.J. Wie: "I did it!"
Bo Wie: "I did it!"
Michelle Wie: "I did it!"

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

FORE RIGHT Exclusive: JBWere Masters Appearance Fees Revealed

Much has been made of Tiger Woods' $3 million appearance fee in the run-up to this week's JBWere Masters in Australia. Thanks to a source inside the event, Fore Right has obtained the complete list of who's receiving what to fly to Melbourne for the week.

Tiger Woods -- $3,000,000
Geoff Ogilvy -- $30,000
Adam Scott -- $3,000
Alex Cejka -- $300
Stuart Appleby --$50 pro shop credit
Jason Dufner -- On-site parking
Rod Pampling -- Will only be referred to as "The Great Rod Pampling" in all press materials
Sam Saunders -- Will not be referred to as Arnold Palmer's grandson
Manny Villegas -- Will not be referred to as Camilo Villegas' younger brother
Craig Parry -- Unlimited seafood buffet

Friday, October 30, 2009

Boo! I'm Back, Hope I Didn't Scare You

Here's the pumpkin I carved last year which I still find quite impressive.

I've undeniably embraced the off-season with a staggering drop off in posts. I've been working 6-7 days a week on a screenplay and hope to have some good news to report on that end before the new golf season begins.

Despite the workload, I was able to get out and play in a friend's charity golf tournament last Friday. We played a 3-man scramble (we were down a man) and started off birdie-birdie-eagle-birdie-par-birdie-eagle. 8-under throught the first 7 holes. For a moment we felt like Troy Matteson.

We finished with a 58, which was left us in a tie for 1st. But then the guys in the pro shop did the screwy golf tourney tie-breaker by giving 1st place to the team with the lower back-nine score, and so we lost. I've been on the winning and losing end of this and it always baffles me. It's such a completely random way to decide the winner and only exists because they already bought the trophies and only ordered one that said "1st place" on it.

Anyone know the real reason this is the tie-breaker method of choice? The argument might be that it shows which team finished their round stronger, but of course this assumes every team started on the 1st tee, which doesn't usually happen in these big charity tourneys. Since they can't send people back to the course, I'm lobbying for a putting contest between the two teams on the putting green. Three hole agregate team score, like the Open Championship.

Either that or a drinking contest.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Greg Norman Announces Engagement to Adam Scott

Just a week after making public his split with Chris Evert, wife of just 15 months, Greg Norman announced that he and fellow Aussie Adam Scott are engaged. While the announcement comes as a shock on many levels, it finally gives Norman a good reason for selecting Scott to the 2009 Presidents Cup team.

In his five matches, Scott was 1-4-0.

Friday, October 2, 2009

OLYMPICS: Rio Names Course for 2016 Games!

Less than 24 hours after learning it will be hosting the 2016 Olympic games, organizers in Brazil have announced golf's Olympic locale should it be added as a sport by the IOC.

The 18-hole course, El Corso Crappo, boasts 18 holes which can be stretched to nearly 300 feet. While relatively flat, E.C.C. boasts of many doglegs as well as hazards unique to Rio, including a bucking horse, a bear and a wishing well.

El Corso Crappo's course superintendant confesses that there will be some difficulty changing hole locations day to day, and that a re-routing may be necessary since the traditional 18th hole has players hitting up a ramp and into a black hole where their ball is forever lost.

"Open Doctor" Rees Jones is in negotiations to help with a remodel of the course, and said via a spokesman that he is "excited about the challenge of ruining a course that, on the surface, appears to already be ruined."

Sunday, September 27, 2009

PRESS RELEASE: Phil Unveils Coaching Lineup for 2010


RANCHO SANTA FE, California -- Hours after winning the Tour Championship in convincing fashion with help from putting wizard Dave Stockton, Phil Mickelson is proud to announce his full coaching roster for the 2010 season.

Full swing: Butch Harmon
Pitching/Chipping: Dave Pelz
Putting: Dave Stockton
Secret Full Swing Coach for when Butch Harmon "talkin' crazy": Rick Smith
On Super Secret Retainer: Hank Haney
Mother Advice: Mary Mickelson
Motherly Advice for when Mom "off rocker": Florence Henderson
Strength and Conditioning: Chuck Norris
Sports Psychologist/Spiritual Guru: Miss Cleo
Dental Hygiene: Dr. Chandler, DDS