in case you missed it. I made a joke in the piece where I said in honor of all the obligatory special features on
these days that I would email out the "writer's commentary" on my piece for anyone who dropped me a line. I'm blaming the low number of requests on the ice storms in the Midwest.
When the power comes back on in Iowa, I'll be ready for them, but until then, here is the piece along with the exclusive writer's commentary included for all you hardcore fans.
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Dear Golf Fan -- Thanks for being so obsessed with golf that you’d want to read an article about an article. And not even a particularly intelligent article. God bless you. My comments about my comments, boy does that sound stupid, will be in green to help you differentiate between the two. Happy Holidays… Bob
Tiger and Lorena’s 2007: The Director’s Cut (With WRITER’S COMMENTARY)
copyright ESPN
These days a studio can’t release a DVD without including bonus footage, deleted scenes, even alternate endings. (I‘d wanted to come up with an example of some award-winning movie that has a famously bad alternate ending on the DVD, but didn’t have time. Yep, cutting corners from the first paragraph…) For those hardcore Woods/Ochoa fans (It would have been funnier if I’d said “Woochoa” fans, wouldn’t it? Dang it.) who expect the same extras in their golf coverage, it’s your lucky day. After scrounging around the cutting room floor I’ve compiled some never-before-read bonus highlights from Tiger and Lorena’s awesome 2007, further proof that from Day One this was indeed a special year.
Heck, a few of these are even true. (Which ones? Well the football ones obviously, and the guest house on Tiger’s new compound did burn down, but the real story is Woods was planning on tearing it down anyway.)
Still not enough for you? First off, wow you’re hard to please. Second, drop me an email – I’ll send you the exclusive writer’s commentary on this column. It makes the perfect inbox stuffer this holiday season. (I may have been overselling this a bit.) And don’t worry, in the end the good guys still win.
January 1st -- After years of frustration, Tiger finally figures out how to see the images hidden in those Magic Eye puzzles from the early 90’s. (This came out of the fact that when they first came out, I really struggled with seeing those things. All my friends else would look at them and say, “a duck”… “a boat”… “A Christmas tree”… and I just couldn’t figure out what my problem is. I can do it but it takes me a good 20-30 seconds and I feel like I’m giving myself a headache to do it. And now that I think about it, how the heck do these things work, anyway? They’re evil, I tell you.)
January 2nd -- Lorena receives a “20 percent off” coupon from Bed, Bath & Beyond on the same day she was planning to buy a new towel for her golf bag. (Thanks to my wife who told me that BB and B only gives out 20% coupons now where last I remember they were 10%. And FYI, Linens & Things accepts BB and B’s coupons and vice-versa. This is the first and last shopping tip I’ll ever be able to give anyone.)

January 17th – After watching Tadd Fujikawa, Woods’ agent Mark Steinberg realizes Tiger’s patented one-arm fist pump should literally be patented, netting his man an extra $850 dollars every time another PGA Tour player imitates it. (I wanted ESPN to put in this picture of Tadd doing the Tiger fist pump but it didn’t happen. I have a tendency to email pictures with my pieces thinking they’ll be used even though I have no idea who owns the rights to any of them. Basically me doing this just gives Jason Sobel one extra thing of mine to delete while he’s busy working on articles that actually matter.)
February 23rd -- Lorena hooks a drive into some bushes and discovers a new species of plant while searching for her ball. The area is deemed environmentally sensitive. She’s awarded a free drop and a plaque from the Sierra Club. (I spent far too much time debating with myself whether Lorena would be more likely to hook a drive or block one right. But obviously Tiger’s historically the blocker while some of Lorena’s most famous misses off the tee go left. More importantly I’d just like to believe that Lorena is a part-time botanist and would really stop her search of a ball to ask her caddie, “Hey have you ever seen a plant like this before?”)
March 25th – One-upping Phil’s commuting to the Nissan Open from San Diego every day, Tiger buys a new private jet that travels faster than the speed of light, allowing him to win the WGC-CA Championship near Miami and then watch it again live from his couch in Windemere. (I swear I read something recently about scientists who supposedly managed to get particles to move faster than the speed of light. I was an English major but I thought this was impossible and that the universe would implode if someone did that. Guess not. Carry on, then…)
April 12th – Lorena uses a Rescue club (what else?) to coax her neighbor’s cat out of a tree.
May 3rd – Despite only flossing two times a week instead of seven as recommended by the American Dental Association, Tiger Woods’ gums refuse to bleed during his semi-annual teeth cleaning. (I saw Seinfeld live a few years ago and an audience member asked him how often he flosses and he said, “As often as the ADA recommends that I do – after every meal.” If so, that is truly impressive. If I ever meet him, I can’t wait to see what perfectly-manicured gums really look like.)
June 8th – While fiddling with her online stock portfolio, Lorena accidentally sells all her shares of Countrywide mortgage. (I remember a year or so ago I was driving between my house and my mom’s house and I noticed on both sides of the freeway were a total like 4 or 5 Countrywide mortgage buildings, all brand new. I got one of those weird feelings in my stomach and I knew they were doomed. You don’t grow that big that fast without it coming back to bite you.)
June 22nd -- General Motors announces that Tiger won’t be used in Buick commercials anymore, putting an end to Charles Howell’s “What time does your mom need her car back?” jokes every time they go to lunch. (This one’s actually true – at least the GM part of it. They said in a very p.c. way that they didn’t want to pigeonhole their usage of Tiger to Buick. Uh, duh. This guy’s the most recognizable face in sports and you don’t want to use him with your younger hotter brands? Tiger’s already started doing OnStar commercials, though in all of them he’s still driving a Buick.)
June 24th – By winning for the 3rd time in 2007, Ochoa surpasses $1.5 million in earnings for the year and more importantly, finally finishes paying off her student loans. (Outside of the $$ being about right, I’m guessing Ochoa had a full-ride to University of Arizona.)
June 28th – In one of his more clutch performances of the year, Tiger notices his wife, Elin’s, new haircut mere moments before she’s going to point it out to him.
June 29
th -- The guest house on Tiger's new estate burns down, good news since Phil
Mickelson had just been saying he wanted to come visit.
(As I said above , this one actually happened. As for Tiger and Phil, there’s a great article you HAVE TO READ by Tom Callahan about Tiger and Phil's relationship and comparing it to Nicklaus and Palmer's. It was originally in last month’s Golf Digest but was put up this week on ESPN.com. July 9th –After a long week hosting the AT&T National in Washington D.C., Tiger rolls double-6's to take control of Irkutsk and beat fellow golfer Condoleezza Rice in a three-day long game of Risk. (I’m not sure Irkutsk is in the latest edition of Risk, my knowledge is based on a late-80’s version. This article forced me to look up what the heck Irkutsk is -- one of the largest cities in Siberia -- I'm sure it's lovely this time of year…)
August 4th – Lorena goes out to dinner after the 3rd round of the British Open and has a legitimately delicious meal.
August 5th – Tiger’s baby daughter, Sam, spits up on Sergio Garcia in the scorer’s tent at the Bridgestone Invitational. (Truly obsessed golf fans will point out that Sam Woods was never at the Bridgestone Invitational, just the PGA Championship.)
August 12th – Tiger’s perfect year seems in jeopardy when he blocks a drive at Southern Hills and hits gallery member Tyler Simmons in the head, knocking him out cold. Instead Simmons turns out to be wanted in three states and Tiger’s made an honorary member of the Tulsa police force. (While I wasn't at the hot and humid PGA Championship this year, I was in Tulsa one August a few years back and it was easily as uncomfortable as I've ever been on a golf course. I literally spent the entire four hours between shots applying bug repellant and anti-itch cream to my legs.)
September 19th -- Lorena receives new drivers’ license in mail. The picture looks so good she decides to use it as her Christmas card photo.
September 28th -- At the Presidents Cup, Tiger defeats Rory Sabbatini and Phil Mickelson in ping pong after Rory says Tiger looks as beatable as ever and Phil says Woods is using an inferior paddle.
October 6th -- Tiger’s alma mater Stanford defeats #2 ranked USC, ending the Trojan’s national title chances. (And as someone with a number of unbearable USC fans in the family, I couldn’t have enjoyed this more.)
November 15th – Lorena’s alma mater Arizona defeats #2 ranked Oregon, ending the Ducks national title chances.

November 20th – Three days after winning the ADT Championship, Lorena still can’t crack open the plastic case around her million dollar prize. She gives up when she remembers she needs a new ottoman anyway. (I never heard definitively whether the money in the case was 1) real money and 2) actually a million dollars. There’s some rule about not being able to photograph actual money on television but not sure why -- maybe Ben Franklin's family were part of that religion that believes if someone takes a picture of you, you lose your soul. Or maybe another reason that makes actual sense.)
December 1st – Tiger receives an email from coach Hank Haney: “Of course playing ‘Tiger Woods 2008’ on Nintendo
Wii counts as off-season practice.”
(If you’ve never been, check out www.wiihaveaproblem.com . The site documents all the most famous injuries and destruction caused by people injuring themselves, their TV’s and others while playing Wii. I didn’t believe this was possible till my friend smashed his hand through his glass ceiling fan 10 minutes after playing tennis for the first time.)December 10th – Capping off an unforgettable year in which she surpassed Annika Sorenstam to become #1, captured eight wins and took home almost $5 million dollars, Ochoa changes business managers, switches to GEICO and, yes, saves a bundle on her car insurance. (My favorite story about someone using this admittedly tired joke is an old boss was flying to Vegas on Southwest when the pilot came on and said, “Folks, got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is we're going to be delayed taking off due to some bad weather, plus there's already a few dozen planes ahead of us in line anyway... not sure when we're getting out of here. The good news is I just saved a bundle on my car insurance.” I love the fact that the pilot wold risk ticking off all of his passengers for a joke. No guts, no glory, right?)
That’s all I got. Thanks for the added interest. Now go do something meaningful with your life. I think Project Runway's on tonight….
Bob