Thursday, October 30, 2008

It's Always Nice To Meet A Fan...

Some of you hopefully caught my espn.com article in which I pitched some absurd, potential golf-themed fragrances as follow ups to Annika, the new perfume currently in development.

As always, it's fun to read comments from readers. But I've never had someone gush over me, my writing and (somehow) my own golf game as much as bmasoner55, who responded to the piece with this:

Hey Smiley. When was the last time you put your game to the test? Or do you have one? Hiding behind your words is one way to deal with your own inadequacies. Even if we mixed all these fragrances, we would not come close to the horrific odor this article eminates [sic]. A good label for the bottled crap your opinions manifest to would be Smiley #8. One squirt and you are sure to score no less than a "snow man" in any capacity of life you persue [sic]. I will concede to the originality of the origin of this article. Other than that, you seem to fall into the catagory [sic] of "Never even could have been" as a writer and competitor.

And there it ended. No doubt he was heading to amazon to pre-order my book.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Tiger Unveils Lunar Golf Design Project

Bel Air, CA -- Unsatisfied with any of the remaining property on planet Earth, Tiger Woods announced Wednesday morning that he will be overseeing the design of a new golf course located on the Moon. Said Woods, "I've done the desert course in Dubai, the hilly course in North Carolina, and now the ocean course in Mexico. But I just couldn't find a good spot to design my zero-gravity, crater course. The Moon was the obvious answer."

Because of the lack of gravitational pull, the proposed track will be a record 28,235 yards long with the shortest hole being a 1,200 yard par-3. The hole Woods appeared most excited about is the 7,200 yard par-5 that plays over and around the Aitkin Basin, an impact crater that is roughly eight miles deep. "If your ball goes in there, forget about it," Woods explained.

The rehabbing World Number 1 did not seem concerned about the lack of oxygen or humans to actually play the course. "I've got people working on that," he succinctly said before showing sketches of the proposed clubhouse and indoor/outdoor swimming pool.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Dean Barnett, 1967-2008

Terrible news just came across my inbox. Writer and blogger Dean Barnett, who was kind enough to have me as his guest on the Hugh Hewitt radio show just five weeks ago, has died at just 41 years of age. Dean suffered from cystic fibrosis, a genetic disorder that most commonly leads to lung infections. Dean went to the hospital in early October with the latest bout. Last week I'd heard he was still there and struggling, but he seemed too young for me to ever think he wouldn't make it.

Dean had joked with me after I was on the show that some of his listeners were aggravated that he would take a detour from the Presidential election to talk about the Ryder Cup. I apologized for any nasty emails he might have received, to which Dean responded "Screw them! I'll talk about golf whenever the urge strikes!"

Truly a man after my own heart. Here's praying that Dean is in heaven setting up some tee times.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Change You Can Vaguely Believe In...

Yes, FORE RIGHT looks different. It's the result of paying a team of consultants (pictured) $235,000 to tell me exactly what colors golf fans find most pleasing. Turns out it's a mix of Augusta green and Bethpage parking lot gray.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Times Are Tough, Part II

La Jolla, CA -- Golf legend Tiger Woods, having lost $4.3 trillion dollars in the stock market last month, was seen Monday working as a caddy at Torrey Pines Golf Course. Local golfer Herb Adelman, who played the South Course with Tiger on his bag, summed up the experience: "It was sad, really." According to the Torrey Pines pro shop, caddies make $45 a round plus tips. "I gave him an extra twenty," said Herb, "and when [Tiger] saw it, he started to cry. 'Thank you,' he said. 'Thank you." Woods was last seen waiting at the bus stop on Torrey Pines Road.

Video of Tiger's sad return to Torrey can be seen below.

You Think You've Got It Rough?

Sure, Iceland may be bankrupt and plenty of Americans lost 20% of their wealth by relying solely on the stock market, but who knew the painful affect things were having to Tour players. This from a good article by SI's Alan Shipnuck:

Some players have already begun to downsize, according to Ed Lynch, the player liaison for Sentient Jet, the official private jet company of the Tour. "We've seen players start to change their habits a little," Lynch says. "If they make the cut, they fly private on the way home; if they miss the cut, they fly commercial. Everybody's being cautious about their spending."

Our hearts and prayers are with the Tour players during this difficult time.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Friday On the Range...

So with the book off to the printer, I have no choice but to stop obsessing over it and get back to what's really important: my own golf game.

Any real return to golf must begin with buying new equipment for no good reason. After a lot of research (half hour tops), I purchased a new driver. It's a used Callaway FT-5 with a Fujikura 360 S shaft. Now that the non-golfing audience has fallen asleep, I'll continue. The club is a good five-year jump in technology from the obscure Alpha driver I'd been using since 2003 and I love the feel of it. As for how I hit it, the first eight feet were great, and then it hit the net at the golf shop.

After double-checking their return policy, I headed to Rancho Park Golf Course - home of the six-hour round - and was about to hit the new driver when I was distracted by a guy who ran by me in his golf shoes. He ran toward the 18th green and I figured he had just forgotten a club. But he stopped short of the green, turned around and ran back past me. Maybe he thought he forgot a club and then remembered where it was? No, because ten seconds later, he ran by me for a third time. It was then I realized that this was part of his odd pre-round routine.

I'm always amazed by the crazy things golfers do before a round. I once had to move spots at the range because the guy next to me was lying on his back, lifting his legs into the air and then spinning them like he was riding an invisible upside-down bicycle. Where in his round did he expect that to come in handy?

Golf stretching should be comprised of three basic moves:

1) Bend at the waist and try to touch your toes. When you fail because you're not anywhere near the shape you were in fifteen years ago, bend your knees until you can.

2) Raise your club above your head with both arms and then turn at the waist from side to side. This gives you a chance to see who is hitting balls around you and whether he or she is in any danger of being hit by your traditional warm-up shanks.

3) Twist your head from side to side to stretch out your neck. I don't really know what this does, but Tiger does it. If you hear a crack, stop.

You're ready to go!

In the end, I clobbered the new driver. I look forward to selling it to one of you for a massive loss within a few short months.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Old Tom Morris Takes Sexy Back

Threatened by Justin Timberlake's hosting of this week's PGA Tour stop in Las Vegas, the Ghost of Old Tom Morris issued a press release today reminding female golf fans that in 1887, he was golf's original sex symbol.

Said the pioneer of the modern game: "When JT claims to be 'bringing sexy back,' it's important today's women know from just whom he is bringing it." While Morris is remembered for winning four British Opens and being the father of modern greenskeeping, this is the first time he has laid claim to being titillating.

"At the peak of my sexiness, I couldn't play down #16 at St. Andrews without finding a girl hiding out in the Principal's Nose bunker." Morris explains his appeal was borne out of his "risque" on-course fashion. "For most of my career, all I wore when I played golf was a three-piece suit, a scratchy wool sweater, a pocketwatch and a pair of long underwear made from coarse burlap. Frankly, I was asking for it." He also claims to be the first golfer to remove his tie during a round, "a rash move which led to a stampede of female admirers who simply couldn't resist my masculinity any longer, costing me the 1863 Open." Added Morris, "I was pushing the envelope before envelopes had even been invented."

Timberlake refused to comment on the origin of his salvaged sexiness, but a comparison of Morris in his prime (above) and Timberlake at Wednesday's pro-am only add weight to Old Tom's claims.

Monday, October 13, 2008

In Case You Missed It...

Tiger showed up for Sunday night's Dodgers game, landing a seat in the owner's box behind the Dodgers on deck circle. Good seats? Uh, yeah. But I guarantee it's the only time in the last 12 years where Pat Sajak had better seats to something than Tiger. Sajak's seats are one section closer to home plate, and to spell his row, you only need to buy one vowel -- A.

All this is, of course, just an excuse to re-run my favorite picture from last year:As I vividly recall, Pat was annoyed by my request for a photo. And really, if there's anyone who should be justifiably perturbed by the demands of celebrity status, it's Pat Sajak.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

BREAKING: Revised 2009 Tour Schedule

Ponte Vedra, FL -- In light of the turmoil of the past few weeks, PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem has announced the following changes to the 2009 PGA Tour Schedule:

Jan 31-Feb 3: FBR Federal Reserve Open

Feb 14-17: Northern Trust The L.A. Open hosted by Senator Chris Dodd

Feb 20-24: Accenture The House Ways and Means Committee Match Play

Mar 20-23: Puerto Rico Open presented by Banco Popular Chiclets

Mar 27-30: Zurich FEMA Classic of New Orleans

May 1-4: Wachovia Wells Fargo Championship

May 29-June 1: The Memorial Tournament presented by Morgan Stanley Morgan Pressel

July 17-20: US Bank Treasury Championship of Milwaukee

Aug 29-Sept 1: Deutsche Bank Championship (Space for Rent -- please contact Shelly Davis at sdavis@pgatour.com for more info)

Friday, October 3, 2008

Inside John Daly's Stomach...

According to a recent AP article, doctors removed a golf-ball size cyst from inside John Daly's ribcage earlier this summer. While the docs were in there, they reportedly also noticed two small fractures deep in Daly's ribs. Needless to say, these are not signs of a healthy human being.

It turns out this was only a partial list of what was discovered. FORE RIGHT has obtained a full inventory thanks to a golf fan at St. Joe's Hospital in downtown Branson. Click to enlarge:

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

UPS Loses FedEx Cup

Ponte Vedra, FL -- Less than 48 hours after Vijay Singh claimed the 2nd annual FedEx Cup, the eponymous trophy has allegedly been lost by UPS in transit between East Lake Golf Club in Atlanta and Vijay's home in northeast Florida. A spokesman for UPS said they have no record of the trophy being shipped, despite Vijay being able to produce both a receipt and a tracking number.

Singh would have taken the cup with him on his short flight home, but knew he would be charged an additional $30 by American Airlines for the extra piece of checked luggage and shipped it en route to the airport.

Yesterday, Vijay claimed the tracking number showed the trophy leaving UPS' Atlanta processing center and then reappearing 29 hours later in Yakutsk, a city on the eastern edge of Siberia. The tracking number now reads as "invalid."