Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Transcript: Inside the Tour's Newest Support Group

The following is an exclusive Fore Right transcript from the PGA Tour's new How Come I Still Stink Since Knee Surgery? support group.

Len Mattiace: First let's go around, introduce ourselves, and say what brought us here today...

Brad: Hi, my name is Brad, and I have yet to win a golf tournament since my ACL surgery 4 years ago.

Hi Brad.

Vijay: My name is Vijay, and since my knee surgery, I haven't even had a top-10. And I won the FedEx Cup. (off blank stares) The FedEx Cup! (still nothing) Oh forget it.

Hi Vijay.

Ernie: Hi, my name is Ernie and since I blew out my knee water tubing, I actually have won a PGA event... (scattered applause) ...but it was only the Honda Classic.

Hi Ernie.

Len: Now I'm sure this was a tough week for most of you because of Tiger's win.

Vijay: I don't want to talk about it.

Len: But we have to talk about it, Vijay. That's why we're here. This is a safe place.

Ernie: I'll talk. It's just not fair. I should have won that tournament. I should have been the one shaking Arnie's hand.

Vijay: But you didn't even enter it.

Ernie: What's the point? So I can finish 10 shots out of the lead and be done with my round before Mr. Wonderful even tees off?

Brad: Can I say something?

Len: Yes, Brad, go ahead.

Brad: Ernie, you should really focus on your short game. Hard to beat a hot putter, that's what I always say.

Ernie: Really? And just where did you finish last week, Brad?

Brad: Nine-over.

Ernie: We're doomed...

Len: Now, now...

Vijay: Hey, I just realized, the last time Ernie won a major, Rory McIlroy was only 13.

Ernie: Stop it.

Vijay: Danny Lee was 11.

Ernie: I'm serious.

Vijay: Just saying, maybe next time you'll think twice before letting a boat pull you around in an innertube at 40mph.

Ernie: That's it!

Ernie lunges across the table as Vijay reaches for his Swing Stick.

Ernie: Not my knee!

Mine too! And back.

Ernie: Deal.

They wrestle each other to the ground.

Len: So same time next week work for everybody?

Brad: It will just be me next week. The other guys are going to Augusta.

Len: That's no way to think -- maybe you'll win the Shell Houston Open this week...

Vijay: (from under the table) Yeah, right!

Brad: You're going down, old man!

Brad jumps into the fray.


courtgolf said...

It's truly amazing the access you have to these inner sanctum meetings ! A true fly on the wall kind of guy. Face it, Geraldo Rivera is a wuss compared to Bob Smiley.

Bobbio said...

I'm out of town for 5 weeks and this is what happens? Wow.